MUNDUK - 18th of June
In the enchanting tranquility of Balinese rice terraces, amidst the odor of spiritual incense and surrounded by the ancient Hindu gates, I am brought back to memories veiled in the blinding mist of seven years past. A time when I paused my art studies, ensnared by the tendrils of anxiety and depression, and impulsively joining papa, Mouche and Milan on their voyage.
I behold the reflection of yesteryears, the Luna of days gone by. Enveloped in a shroud of fear, covered by a coat of shame. Draped in darkness, her face hidden behind dark ebony locks, exuding an aura of isolation to evade the eyes of the world. To fade into obscurity, to dissolve into oblivion, that was my lone yearning.
With tender empathy, I hug her, whispering her assurances of imminent transformation. “Have faith, for it is you, only you, who shall unfurl the tight knots in the drapery of your path to be. You. Yes, you.” She gazes at me in utter disbelief, yet pledges to persist and endure.
Here I stand today. Solitary, emboldened. And in this moment, I honor the child I once was, the adolescent I once embodied, and the woman I am blossoming into. I forgive them for deeds committed and omitted. I forgive past. For oh, what a privilege it is to be, now.
MUNDUK - 19th of June - 18:46
Today, the harsh reality of traveling struck me. My vitality was drained away unwittingly, without permission. With the intention of an open heart, I fully emerged in the travels’ fleeting connections, even if they stir within familiar anxiety. Yet, amidst this vulnerability, someone seized the opportunity to harras me.
A beautiful day dawned with the sun's early rays. I carried a sweet and cheerfull disposition. Although my impulsive nature often leads me astray, it has also gifted me with moments and places that linger as cherished memories.
Five hours spent in the enchanting jungle of Munduk, surrounded by cascading waterfalls and the soft scents of ginger and cloves, twisted into a nightmare. Within this darkness, he wielded manly power harshly, disregarding my repeated attempts to set boundaries. Initially gentle and cautious, my protests fell upon deaf ears. His touch felt like a violation of my personal space, reserved only for those who have earned my trust. His icy fingers threading through my hair felt like an assault to my dignity and womanhood. His inappropriate words, coupled with his digusted predatory gaze, stripped me bare to my soul.
Nevertheless, I voiced my dissent boldly. ‘Enough, stop please’. I told him endlessly. Expressing my discomfort, disinterest in intimacy, and desire to leave. I rejected his advances, I resisted with determination. But still, he remained deaf.
MUNDUK - 21th of June - 11:23
In the intagible, where the heart dwells, one senses a transcending essence - whether it be God, Allah, or the universe. Because what’s in a name, right? I’ll call it God now, in this writing. In recent days God revealed itself in myriad forms.
Engaged in a spiritual dialogue with Dedi, the guardian of the hostel, I delved into the Balinese way of living of 'Tri Hita Karana' - the harmony of being with God, humanity, and nature. This philosophy illuminates the path to goodness and unity.
Bali fungates for many of us just as an attracting holiday oasis, but when you fully integrate yourself with its essence, you’ll embody its uniqueness and profound philosophical ethos. Its spirit permeates the air, infusing every being and element with a sacred resonance.
As Brenda's verses caressed my soul, unveiling her innermost thoughts and emotions, the truth emerged - the divine spark resides within us all. Through connection, through empathy, through honoring diverse beliefs, we find God mirrored in the eyes of others, stirring compassion within our hearts.
Tears welled in my eyes as Brenda met my gaze, her words echoing in the chambers of my soul. "Thank you," I whispered, gratitude overflowing, “for this gift of shared wisdom”.
UBUD - 24th of June - 11:38
In the labyrinth of my thoughts and emotions, I find myself spiraling downward, losing grip. Reclining in savasana at the end of the yoga class, tears like rivers find their way, carrying the weight of a lost connection. This pain, suppressed until this given moment, rises to the surface, demanding acknowledgment and contemplation.
Letting go of the familiar grip of anxious attachment feels foreign but so necessary, despite its discomfort. Reflecting on my last situationship, I realize the roots of my attachment grew deeper than I had initially perceived.
Ubud’s rainy veil seem to mirror the gloom within. The somber gray of the outer world reflects the storm within my inner realm. As the clouds release their burden of rain, I too feel a release within my being.
For now, I choose to simply allow things to be as they are, embracing acceptance without resistance or judgment. This act of surrender creates space within me, paving the way for a self in a more aligned way.
ROAD TO SIDEMEN - 25th of June - 11:43
As I meander leisurely towards Sidemen in Wayan’s taxi, the crowds quietly thins. Ubud, with its cultural grandeur and bustling tourism, caught me off guard, yet it gracefully yields to a realm of serenity, where green expanses, untamed hills, and the whisper of hope invite my restless mind to rediscover silence.
Indulging in a private sanctuary for the following nights, I seek solace. Unraveling my belongings offers an invitation to find home, a grounding amidst the unknown.
Stepping into the enchanting abode, I gently lower my 15 kg loaded backpack in the outside lobby, peering through the wooden portal that frames a living canvas within. Palms sway in harmonious cadence, interwoven with coral colored blooms against a backdrop of rugged cliffs and a softly draped sky.
I watch, absorb, and savor the moment, embracing the symphony of nature's artistry unfolding before me.
SIDEMEN - 26th of June - 19:12
Beneath the soft murmur of rain's touch and the unsettling grip of a haunting dream, I am roused from my sleep. In a bed built for two, I lay alone, entwined with my unanswered longing.
With a weighted heart, I ascend the stairs to the elevated terrace, where a table for two awaits my solitary form. Here, a silent confrontation unfolds between myself and Desire, an honest dialogue. "What truths do you need to reveal?" I inquire, “I will listen,” as tears well up and seek escape, discreetly wiped away by the long sleeves of my freshly acquired t-shirt.
With resistance as my enemy, I go back to my room and force myself to surrender to the flood of emotions, allowing the tears to flow freely. Enfolding Desire in a tender embrace, I grant her the space she craves to exist, acknowledging her presence.
For I know now.
ULUWATU - 28th of June - 17:37
As I arrive at my hostel in Uluwatu, a wave of social anxiety washes over me like a relentless tide. Surrounded by a sea of individuals exuding physical perfection and beauty, my initial instinct is to engage in the act of comparison. I find myself criticizing every flaw, every imperfection, seeking validation through a distorted lens of superficial aesthetics.
In a moment of vulnerability, I reach out to my mother, consumed by the irrational fear that a single pimple could shatter my fragile facade of self-worth. Yet, amidst the noise of my inner critic, a shift arises. The voice of my ego softens into a gentle whisper of introspection.
In this introspective silence, a profound question emerges: Can I not gaze upon others and myself with eyes unclouded by the lens of judgment? Must my value depend on the facade of physical appearance?
Later that day, I open up in a conversation with Magik, a soul from Poland. As I lay bare my insecurities, he offers understanding and reassurance, illuminating a profound truth. "Are we not all ensnared in the intricate web of our own perceptions, too consumed by our internal narratives to realize that the gaze of others is but a fleeting glance, not a judgmental stare?"
In this shared moment of vulnerability and understanding, with empathy and acceptance, I begin to unravel the web of self-judgment, embracing the beauty of imperfection and liberating self-compassion.
ULUWATU - 6th of July - 11:08
It has been nearly a week since I first set forth with my metaphorical pen to capture my train of thoughts, experiences, and observations. The shimmering expanse of the ocean at Uluwatu's beaches has drawn me into the current of existence, into the vivid present. It mirrors the sensation of catching a wave while surfing, where one's entire being becomes absorbed in that singular moment. To be fully present in such instances is to seize them and revel in their entirety. Yet, when distractions from the external world intrude, balance is lost, and one stumbles—a poignant reminder of returning to the power of now.
Uluwatu holds a cherished space within me. However, when familiarity begins to breed too much comfort, it signals the moment for departure. And so, with my essentials and life condensed into a backpack, I embark. Accompanied by Wayan, my ‘go to’ Bali driver, I journey towards Padangbai. From there, alongside Emily - the sunniest soul of Antwerp, I traverse the waters to a fresh island, a new chapter—Lombok.
